Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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