Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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