I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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