my phone needs a breathalizer
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Randomize
