I cannot find my penis.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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