dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
