I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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