Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
