i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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