i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
