While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
