We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
