Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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