mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You can't just leave with hair like that
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
