when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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