I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
