Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
