Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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