Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
