Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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