If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
