and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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