she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
