i jhust puked up my retainher.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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