I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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