I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
