your parents love me but you hate me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
