I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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