hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
