Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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