I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
