i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think I won the penis lottery.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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