I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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