I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
