if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
