Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
