Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
