i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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