i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
