I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
