if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
