The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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