I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
