Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
