so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
