I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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