I think I won the penis lottery.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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