Porn is love you can see.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
