I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
