he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
