IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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